Sunday, February 2, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Warning: This entire post is super offensive. Just sayin'
Ah, real-life Barney. If you’ve never seen HIMYM before, Barney's character is described as a "serial womanizer." I am not talking about the dancing dinosaur dude.
How I met real-life Barney
On a dance floor in Williamsburg, about this time last year. I was a little tipsy and I gave him my phone number before my roommate and I left for home. He was a voice coach and a singer in a band, he said … don’t judge me. I can feel you judging me.
He texted the next day and invited me out. I had plans, but he kept texting and eventually I had a free night. The invite was to see his band play. I dragged my roommate along and went.
Oh, so he’s a douchebag
He didn’t quite remember me, but worse — I wasn’t the only girl he’d invited there. I watched his band play. They weren’t that good. Then he spent the night draped over a girl who looked to be about 18 (he was 30ish). Luckily, the band that played after his was a kick ass female punk band. I stayed for that, because, kick ass female punk band. I left without saying goodbye and figured he wouldn’t be offended. Or notice. He didn't.
And then …
He kept texting. Not right away, but maybe after a month or so. The messages were always “Hey Karen, my band is playing at …” I’d deleted his number, but no worries, he signed his texts. Another month, same thing. By the third month, I realized there was a pattern — all the texts were invites to see his band play and it seemed like he was copying and pasting these messages, probably to every girl who’d ever been unlucky enough to give up a phone number. Eventually he forgot to change the name he was addressing it to and I got a text addressed to some other girl, but same ol’ invite.
I ignored every single one of these text messages for a year … until Sunday.
With a little help from my friends
My new roommate, Ross, and our coworker Beth were out to dinner when the latest text message came over. “Ugh, this guy,” I complained to them. I told them the story of how I’d met the real-life Barney, and Ross was determined to drive him away.
Ok, and maybe we had a little fun in the process.
Just to confirm his douchiness
We gave the wrong name and made up a fake band name in an attempt to confuse him.
We pretended to confuse him with a guy of a completely different race
He decided to clear up the confusion by sending a picture. It was a very bro-looking profile shot. I should just post it here, but I'm not a total douchebag.
Ross really channeled his inner drunk girl
We went all out working the slut angle …
Whoops, this guy digs sluts.
Can't shake this one with the threat of an STD.
Gawd I love the Internet.
Just when we thought we had him …
Google delivered, but hairy legs didn't deter him. He thinks Kelly — pregnant, STD-ridden, pro-leg hair and all — is coming to his show this week, and he's excited about it.
I’m pretty sure that makes him worse than Barney.
Monday, October 21, 2013
I've talked for quite a while about summarizing all the 'boytalk with the girls' in blog posts. Here we go (cue nervous laughter) ...
|Aww. Aren't they adorable? I don't know them.|
Maybe I'm jaded — divorced and full of cynicism and doubt. Losing my romanticism. I just can't keep believing this dude exists.
|Stories require girly drinks.|
One big play that makes everything right. Like we're all little girls wanting to be Cinderella, ready to swoon for the boy with the glass slippers and more importantly, the gumption to bring them to us.
"But here's the thing," said one of these recently single-lized women. "We're pining away after the wrong guy from the very start. What we really need is a guy who can want us confidently, because that guy never needs to come up with a grand gesture."
"Want me confidently," she said. I nodded. She is right.
We can dream naively that meeting the right girl — this would be you, naturally — can make even the most spineless manchild step up to the plate. After all, isn't that what true love is all about, two souls who can't be kept apart, not for self-doubt or misguided egos or any unfortunate personality flaw? Isn't true love supposed to be a great equalizer?
This is where I have doubts. What right do we have to expect anyone to behave in a manner so beyond their personality? Ladies, we've watched too many romantic comedies.
What we should focus on is knowing what we want in a partner and seeing the men in our lives for exactly who they are. Let's not hold expectations of grand gestures from men who can't rally the confidence in the first place, skip the pining, bitch and moan to our girlfriends about the loss and the lack of greatness and start over again, keeping ourselves open to finding the man who can want us confidently.
Forget about grand gesture guy. He'll never rally.
Maybe we should all just get dogs.